Pope Benedict the Vatican has trebled its profits
and now makes over 60% of its gross annual income
from merchandising alone. As God forego a lump sum
and gave the Bible publishing rights to Steve
Guttenburg in 1972, instead requesting a percentage
of each unit sold, he amassed over $180,000,000 in
the following decade alone. This, together with the
release of the New Testament, the Old Old Testament,
the Old New Testament, Testament Times New Roman
collectors edition, New Testament of Sgt. Columbo,
the bonus edition with the 3rd secret of Fatima and
a prologue by Anthony Hopkins and recently the Bible
Uncut: What the Gideons Didn't Want You to Know has
kept this revenue stream alive.
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administration foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope to hell. The
Pope explained the situation to the Devil. He checked out all of the paperwork,
called the Pearly Gates admitting office, and the error was acknowledged. The
Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem.
The next day the Pope was called in, the Devil said his good-bye, and he began
his journey to heaven. Along the way, he met Clinton, who was on his way down.
They stopped to chat. The Pope said, "Sorry about the mix-up. By the time you
get to hell, it's really too late to save any souls." Clinton replied, "No
problem. I'm sure I'll be with more familiar company down below, anyway." The
Pope continued, "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven." "Why's that?"
Clinton asked. "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary," the Pope
replied. "Oh," said Clinton. "I'm afraid you're a day late."
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.
He's met by the reception committee, and after a
whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of
the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the
ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures,
and spends the next eon or so learning the
languages. After becoming a linguistic master,
he sits down in the library and begins to pore
over every version of the Bible, working back
from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the
All of a sudden there is a scream in the
library. The angels come running to him, only to
find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to
himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks
him what the problem is. After collecting his
wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'
... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
A drunk man flops down on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his
face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his coat
pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest
and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living,
wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for
your fellow man."
"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning
to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges
the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry; I
didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your
"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says
here that the Pope does."
NEWS: Pope Benedict XVI is doing well after
undergoing surgery for a broken wrist suffered
from an apparent overnight fall in his room at
his Alpine vacation chalet.
NEWS: The general public never gets to learn the
names of Altar Boys who are successful in
fending off the "HAND OF GOD."